Truth as a maze

In my youth, I used to be harsh on the people I did not agree with.

And here lie some of the problems with this:

1. Not being the guardian of absolute truth my judgment of others was questionable, to say the least

2. Even if we were to assume a fact to be objectively true, contrarian beliefs may still hold some merit

And I’ll offer three examples of false beliefs, one being a personal one, that may prove to be useful during our lifetime. One from climate change, another regarding relationships, and the third one related to inner peace.

I

The first one is the idea that we can change the world by planting trees.

There was a video circling youtube at some point about a man who spent his entire life planting trees in some remote deserted place in Asia. Maybe he felt this was a transcendent purpose, capable of changing the world.

Even though we may justify the falseness of his belief - since we can’t feel his little forest’s effects either in Europe or in the US, the man felt joy and significance during his undertaking. For him, using that false belief was worth it because it brought him fulfillment and the drive to continue his mission into his latest years.

II

The second one is a personal example. I hold the conviction that I have so much to offer to the woman beside me that there is no way she will ever think of cheating me. We’re not even going to discuss the idea of her actually doing it. And this, despite me being cheated on with one of my best friends almost 20 years ago.

We may see this as arrogance weaponization for the greater good. The belief is, obviously, false, but I choose to hold it and it is, in my mind, extremely justified by the man I am today and the peace of mind it provides.

III

And the third example is more abstract and has to do with mental health, a topic so vital to any of us.

We’re all perceiving reality through unique filters resulting from our convictions, rationales, and life experiences. Our self-image and our worldview are sometimes distorted not because we are too stupid to see things clearly, but because we don’t have the power to accept them.

And, since most people, in most cases prefer inner peace to knowing the truth we then choose to interpret reality in such a way that it fits just perfectly, like a puzzle piece, into our worldview, for which we have a high attachment.

And all these only for the tranquility of closing our eyes late at night.

Sometimes the cost of confronting the truth is unbearable. It’s measured in extra beats per minute, wrinkles, white strands of hair, and tears.

Some people die before being able to admit facts that are obvious to everyone around them, just because of their inability to process that information.

*

So, next time we disagree with someone, it’s worth having a more nuanced and gentle approach.

I see myself as being in a continuous search for truth, provided that I can recognize and understand it, and I choose to promote it with kindness and empathy for myself and the ones around me.

Maybe someone’s false belief is a base for a noble mission, an utilitarian and very effective approach that harms no one or sustains the balance of a fragile individual.

I think that truth is not everything… cause we’re all human.

Expectations vs Aspirations

This morning I discovered something very surprising. A new angle from which to view a phenomenon we are so used to that we're probably not even questioning it at all: our expectations.

We all have them, sometimes at a very high level, sometimes from others, but very often from ourselves.

We’ll see:

• Why expectations are created in the first place

• What are their implications

• How they can demotivate people

• How they can negatively affect our close relationships

And as an alternative solution:

• Why aspirations provide superior results

• How expectations differ from aspirations in terms of actions and outcomes

I owe this discovery to Andreea Rosca, a Romanian business journalist whose podcast Vast and Curious I've followed for quite a while. I am pleasantly surprised by her guests' diversity, caliber and her ability to ask inquisitive, practical questions. 

Her recent discussion with Adrian Stanciu proved very insightful. Adrian is a leading Organizational Development consultant in Romania, specializing in organizational culture management, strategy development and change.

How are expectations created?

They are a product of transactional thinking, coming from the idea that our actions or our identity gives us the right to certain things or to be treated in a particular way.

Expectations form as a result of a feeling of entitlement and are created almost automatically. They involve a passive attitude and determine, in most cases, either disappointment or a satisfactory feeling at best. They are either satisfied, or they are not, rarely the fulfillment of great expectations leading to significant joy.

How can they demotivate the people we interact with?

We all remember a time when we took a top grade in school, that we were very proud of, and did not receive any praise for it. Our parents were telling us that this is to be expected and to be careful not to come with a lower one the next day.

And, since most of us crave recognition on some level, especially when we are young, receiving this kind of treatment feels like a pressure that we are not happy with and we are not motivated to withstand. The perception is that there is a rift between what is expected of us and the recognition we're getting for achieving the desired results. For many people it's just not worth it.

How can expectations affect our close relationships?

Genuine relationships have intrinsic value, they are not based on the benefits and services they may provide.

But when expectations interfere in these relationships they bring some conditions: you obey my wishes because I feel I deserve it, because that's what I want you to do, otherwise... Otherwise what? Even if this ultimatum is not usually verbalised it is there. Otherwise I consider yourself not worthy of the closeness we currently enjoy. And these conditions are like mines in the path to harmonious connections. When these expectations come from both parties we are approaching a standstill, and if prolonged for long enough, a potential rupture in the relationship.

What's the effect on others and why aspirations offer superior results?

Here comes Adrian Stanciu's contribution: that of replacing the expectation with an aspiration. With the idea that when I want something I'm not merely expecting it to magically happen, because I am special, or beautiful, or worthy of it. On the contrary, I desire that thing and aspire to achieve it. I am open and willing to act on this desire, to have an open mind, to search for solutions, for people who want the same things as I do, to support them, bring them together, guide them, coordinate them if needed, or just move from their way, without expecting for miracles to happen, but insistently focusing on tiny, constant steps toward my aim.

This change in mentality fosters collaboration, makes for a more breathable air around me and gives people a chance to be inspired and join my cause.

The main benefits of switching to aspirations are:

• your active attitude and the confidence you transmit through your actions

• your optimism, because the spirit in which you do things matters almost as much as your results

• and the impact you have on others through the power of your personal example, as displayed openness, mental flexibility and willpower

I am curious:

How well do you think we're balancing the expectations from ourselves with the ones from the people around us?

From your own experience, how do you feel you differentiate in this respect from the citizens of other states?

If you had contact with Romanians, how do you feel we differ in this regard from the way your fellow citizens tend to function?

I wish you all a joyful day and the wisdom to successfully manage your expectations and the expectations of others.

New Year’s Resolution

It's been a while since I first wanted to gather my thoughts, my own experiences, discoveries and give them a more coherent form; to compile them in a way that brings me clarity and has a chance to be useful to others.

Today I'm gonna mess with your holidays a little bit, since I've chosen a topic that brings mixed feelings to many of us: The New Year's resolution.

And that's because we all have the tendency to aim for many things, if possible starting from tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year and statistics show that very few of these objectives are successfully fulfilled.

I'll choose to look over these resolutions from three needed, albeit not necessarily sufficient, angles:

1. The Clarity of our situation

2. The Gratitude for what we have and what we are today

3. And being Realistic with our goals

Clarity

Realistically, we cannot aim at something if we're not fully aware of our starting point, of our current situation.

And this period fits us wonderfully, since we have time to relax, to observe ourselves, our wellbeing, our results for the ending year, our health, relationships and anything else we see of value.

To notice, without harsh judgement, what actions we've taken during the year for the betterment of the above mentioned points, not to punish ourselves further for not doing enough, but to reflect on our tendencies: what worked well and what didn't, and learn something from it. 

Gratitude

Even if we feel we're in a good place, or we're struggling a little bit we need to stop and appreciate what we currently have and how far we've come.

Not because of our outstanding achievements or our glorious evolution, but especially because so many people around the world don't come even close to what we have, and this exercise grounds us in reality and helps us tame our self criticism a little bit.

Realism

If we've done this assessment in a calm and balanced way, we are now ready to choose our targets for the next year.

Describe them well, preferably in writing, so that conditions for failure are clearly stated, no more than 3 or 4 objectives.

Better to do 3 out of 4 than 2 out of 7.

And the places where we'll put most of our energy in the coming year will need to result from the above mentioned choices.

However, if it were so easy these things would already be done :).

Most likely we need to change a few things, some behaviors, habits, maybe the way we make choices, with more awareness, all being aligned with what we desire to accomplish.

Habit formation is worth taking into consideration because this single thing greatly reduces the amount of daily negotiation with ourselves, freeing a ton of mental space, giving us a boost for the day and a solid foundation we can build on.

I highly recommend Atomic Habits to all of you who want to give themselves a serious chance on implementing new habits effectively.

And, to be honest, we don't need to wait for 1st of January to start working on anything from our list; if nothing else, we'll be a little tired and tipsy during that day.

I'm glad you followed me until this point.

And wish you all inspiration in the choices you make, the energy to work hard on what matters most to you, lots of happiness, joy and Happy Holidays with your loved ones!