Expectations vs Aspirations
This morning I discovered something very surprising. A new angle from which to view a phenomenon we are so used to that we're probably not even questioning it at all: our expectations.
We all have them, sometimes at a very high level, sometimes from others, but very often from ourselves.
We’ll see:
Why expectations are created in the first place
What are their implications
How they can demotivate people
How they can negatively affect our close relationships
And as an alternative solution:
Why aspirations provide superior results
How expectations differ from aspirations in terms of actions and outcomes
I owe this discovery to Andreea Rosca, a Romanian business journalist whose podcast Vast and Curious I've followed for quite a while. I am pleasantly surprised by her guests' diversity, caliber and her ability to ask inquisitive, practical questions.
Her recent discussion with Adrian Stanciu proved very insightful. Adrian is a leading Organizational Development consultant in Romania, specializing in organizational culture management, strategy development and change.
How are expectations created?
They are a product of transactional thinking, coming from the idea that our actions or our identity gives us the right to certain things or to be treated in a particular way.
Expectations form as a result of a feeling of entitlement and are created almost automatically. They involve a passive attitude and determine, in most cases, either disappointment or a satisfactory feeling at best. They are either satisfied, or they are not, rarely the fulfillment of great expectations leading to significant joy.
How can they demotivate the people we interact with?
We all remember a time when we took a top grade in school, that we were very proud of, and did not receive any praise for it. Our parents were telling us that this is to be expected and to be careful not to come with a lower one the next day.
And, since most of us crave recognition on some level, especially when we are young, receiving this kind of treatment feels like a pressure that we are not happy with and we are not motivated to withstand. The perception is that there is a rift between what is expected of us and the recognition we're getting for achieving the desired results. For many people it's just not worth it.
How can expectations affect our close relationships?
Genuine relationships have intrinsic value, they are not based on the benefits and services they may provide.
But when expectations interfere in these relationships they bring some conditions: you obey my wishes because I feel I deserve it, because that's what I want you to do, otherwise... Otherwise what? Even if this ultimatum is not usually verbalised it is there. Otherwise I consider yourself not worthy of the closeness we currently enjoy. And these conditions are like mines in the path to harmonious connections. When these expectations come from both parties we are approaching a standstill, and if prolonged for long enough, a potential rupture in the relationship.
What's the effect on others and why aspirations offer superior results?
Here comes Adrian Stanciu's contribution: that of replacing the expectation with an aspiration. With the idea that when I want something I'm not merely expecting it to magically happen, because I am special, or beautiful, or worthy of it. On the contrary, I desire that thing and aspire to achieve it. I am open and willing to act on this desire, to have an open mind, to search for solutions, for people who want the same things as I do, to support them, bring them together, guide them, coordinate them if needed, or just move from their way, without expecting for miracles to happen, but insistently focusing on tiny, constant steps toward my aim.
This change in mentality fosters collaboration, makes for a more breathable air around me and gives people a chance to be inspired and join my cause.
The main benefits of switching to aspirations are:
your active attitude and the confidence you transmit through your actions
your optimism, because the spirit in which you do things matters almost as much as your results
and the impact you have on others through the power of your personal example, as displayed openness, mental flexibility and willpower
I am curious:
How well do you think we're balancing the expectations from ourselves with the ones from the people around us?
From your own experience, how do you feel you differentiate in this respect from the citizens of other states?
If you had contact with Romanians, how do you feel we differ in this regard from the way your fellow citizens tend to function?
I wish you all a joyful day and the wisdom to successfully manage your expectations and the expectations of others.
